Leaders, I have a question for you: When was the last time you engaged in deeply present and focused listening in a team meeting or with a direct report?
For that matter, when was the last time you felt deeply listened to and heard by your boss? Do you remember what it feels like, what it looks like? If you’re like many of the leaders with whom I am talking, the answer is that it has been a while! Three main culprits are at play in the demise of deep listening in our offices and meeting rooms (and kitchens and living rooms for that matter!):
First, there is enormous pressure to be productive and produce tangible outcomes, often measured by the quantity of tasks completed and the speed at which they are accomplished. Productivity is equated with getting things done and checking items off the to-do list, overshadowing the importance of contemplation, effective dialogue, and active listening.
Second, in the pursuit of productivity, we have honed our skill at multi-tasking, taking pride in our ability, for example, to sit in a meeting and clear our inboxes at the same time. While we may pat ourselves on the back, research shows that our brains are incredibly inefficient multi-tasking machines and our ability to engage with and process information suffers. (https://www.apa.org/topics/research/multitasking)
Third, we have fallen in love with the idea that leaders are the experts, there to tell, sell, advise, and direct. We’ve forgotten that the people we lead are most often the experts and we would be wise to ask them good quality questions and then sit back and listen.
How can we get back to deeply listening and to really being heard? Consider zeroing in on the 3 Q’s of deep listening: Quantity, Quiet, and Quality. How much are you talking or what quantity of air-time do you take up? Are you able to quiet your brain and focus on not only the words but also the meaning of what you are hearing? To what degree do your reactions, responses, and questions enhance the quality and experience of your interactions? To work on the 3 Q’s, I suggest the following to leaders:
- Do a leadership audit on your personal talk-listen ratio. Is it 75:25? Closer to 90:10? While there’s no magic number, and context matters, if you’re consistently talking more than listening, consider setting a goal to shift to more time listening and inquiring. In advance of meetings, create a quick list of questions that will show curiosity and draw people out and plan to ask 2-3 follow-up questions before responding with your opinion or advice.
- Pay attention to what happens to you and your productivity when you multi-task. Are you really getting more done? At what level are you able to retain information while multi-tasking? To what extent does the quality of your focus and responsiveness diminish? How much time does it take you to switch attention from one task or person to another and back again?
- Put your phones away during meetings, remove that laptop sitting between you and your direct report while you discuss her performance or goals, leave your phone in the office during your lunch break and use the time to eat or walk or think (or maybe even socialize!). Take note of the difference that this makes to your ability to more richly engage with others, as well as, the impact on them.
- In his classic 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey writes: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”. As the expert leader, how often do you find yourself listening in order to qualify, revise, or correct what you are hearing? While your intention may be to add value to what others are bringing you, consider that your incremental improvement in quality might come at the cost of the other’s diminished enthusiasm or ownership. In the moment, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “Is it worth it?” before launching into a response. Watch this short video for more on leaders ‘adding too much value’: Goldsmith on Adding too much Value
- Listening is not a passive activity – it’s effortful. Not only does it take active work to quiet the brain, but how you react and respond requires thoughtfulness and restraint. Challenge yourself to ask curious follow-up questions and probe your understanding before more fully responding.
- Listen more for the learnings. Enter every conversation as if you have something to learn, assuming that everyone you meet will know something that you don’t. Bringing this mindset to meetings, interactions, and conversations will turn on your curiosity and encourage you to listen more. Check out Celeste Headlee’s engaging and fun Ted Talk that addresses her 10 rules for conversational competence: C Headlee Ted Talk
In an environment inundated with distractions, prioritizing deep listening is truly a leadership challenge. Focusing on Quantity, Quiet, and Quality when listening will go a long way to enriching our interactions, deepening our connections and improving our overall effectiveness.
